A Red's journal
by PeroxideMermaid
Summary: Mare Barrow feels herself slipping through the cracks of darkness. Can feel the cold that pricks at her skin at any moment when her mind drifts to those dark places. To keep herself sane she started a journal to keep her thoughts well documented but her excuse for it is it will help the books of history. All that while she fights her feelings. #Calare


**A/N: Welcome to another fanfic I am writing. Well I decided to write something different, to tackle another fandom so I am starting this Red Queen after the ending of the book. This isn't beta'd so mistakes are mine. I know I'm far away from OUAT but I do hope you enjoy.**

" _ **There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying."**_

How long has it been? One week, a month or a year?

I really don't know. My track of time has been of a poor sorts and I can't even recount what happened a week ago. But that doesn't really matter at this very moment when I'm doing something I have never done before, write. It has become a rather easy endeavor. Made time seem like a fleeing thing that makes life a little more bearable – though it isn't completely soothing. This was a temporary fix, a balm that disappears after a few seconds of bliss, leaving behind a raw and batter heart and soul.

That was to be expected.

I'm not writing fairytale stories with a happy ending. What is being written here is the harsh reality we live in.

Red and Silvers, a constant struggle.

Ever since Cal and I were rescued by the Scarlet Guard we haven't actually talked much. He is pretty much under Farley's scrutinizing eye. The rebel tracked every single one of his moves. He isn't exactly in a jail cell; he is able to walk among us but not without the proper supervision. He might as well call it a prison. But that isn't the real reason why there hasn't been communication between us. We just can't seem to see into each other's eyes any longer, something that had hit my heart in a horrible way but I will never admit that and by the looks of things neither will Cal. So I keep busy putting into ink all the things that had happened in the pass months, and I dare go ever further. History books only give you a version of the story, the silvers one so now it is time to look through the looking glass, the other part of the mirror, the Red's version. There is so much to tell, but words will never be enough to even come close to compare what fears and loss many hearts had gone through. What I felt when I believed my brother, Shade was dead. Speaking of him.

"Hey Mare." It is his voice that shakes me out of my reverie, and instantly I smile. It is a rare sight, or so I have been told but he always managed to get one out of me. Smiling doesn't come easy, it hasn't for the longest of times.

"Shade." I greeted him, closing shut the journal I have been pouring my thoughts to. It doesn't go amiss to him and like the older brother that he is the need to ask becomes strong, curiosity always wins him over.

"What are you doing?" I watched him sit in front of me; a brow perched in my direction. It could be simple to just tell him 'nothing' and move on but that means looking for excuses that he most likely won't buy. So, I sighed wearily answered with a simple 'writing' and looked at his reaction. A reaction that doesn't disappoint. "Since when do you write? If I remember correctly you even disliked reading and hated school." His well built arms link in front of his chest, his brow never descending. He isn't wrong there, that much is true. School has never been my favorite thing but that time with the silvers taught something really important. Knowledge is power if you truly know how to use it. I shrugged my shoulders and placed the journal on the empty table.

"Time with silvers can actually make you see things in perspective." That was half true and half lie. I did see things differently after that farce part of my life. But the difference came in two different paths. One was with Julian and Cal and the other deception. Julian thought me about the value of words and wisdom, something I would have never been inclined to, because it was easier to follow my instincts. Cal did make a difference in my life. It is true that at times he was a serious person, his crown, his father and his family was the most important things to him but he was passionate and when you noticed that you could also see so many qualities in him you would have never seen in a Silver, he actually had a heart. And deception, that one was thanks to Maven. Who would have thought the person I trusted with my life would be the one to stick a dagger to my beating heart. But _**Anyone could betray anyone**_ still bounced across my skull, engraving itself in the walls of the same. I will never make the mistake to trust blindly, that lesson I learned loud and clear.

The look on Shade's face was almost comical and that made me snort out a laugh.

"Really strong things must have happened for you to take a hobby that is out of character for you." My brother had this glint in his eyes, that told me he was curious to know what did my hands wrote on the journal. Should tell him? Would he understand? Maybe I should or maybe I should draw a line between my thoughts and the atmosphere full of tension and awareness. Stop Shade from worrying for her state of mind, because that is exactly what he's doing and it isn't fair. He has so many other important things to worry about. We are in the middle of a revolution against an enemy that doesn't take prisoners. I should be the least of his worries. I was about to voice that out, to tell him that I am alright and this is just a temporary thing. But Shade is shaking his head, stopping me before I even have the time to part my lips to speak. "Don't try to deny it. That much was pretty clear when we rescued the pair of you." There is a sigh falling from me in the most involuntary of ways, that smile I had when he first got here was nothing more than a shady memory replaced by the heaviness of my heart. I should have guessed my brother was going to see right through me, he always does. "Now tell me." He begins, while taking my hand into his.

"Why are you writing?"

It was pretty clear to my head why. I needed to give another time line to our story. I needed the future to see our past and not cringe at the way silvers recounted our story. Because this isn't only about them, this is about all the human beings that blood has been spilled, that has tainted our bodies and souls to the point of leaving scars. This is about all of those that had a cause. For those who wanted to give a good life to others that weren't strong enough to stand with us and fight because Silvers had crippled their bodies and also their souls.

There was a beat of silence as I allowed my head to wonder off. Shade doesn't push for an answer, for that I am grateful. I know why but it is so hard to explain it to him, but my best I will try.

"History books aren't accurate and if we let Silvers dictate and manipulate the ink and words for our predecessor to read, we as Reds will be turned into the villains." I pause for a moment to look into Shade's pools, understanding glistening there. "Specially with Maven and Elara as the heads of the snake." I realized that Tiberias wasn't really the snake after all. Well he was ruthless against Reds but never against his family, who –in his twisted way– loved with all his might and it was that same one that took his life away. But why did my mind take me there? To that moment where I saw Cal suffer? The moment Maven true self was showed to me and all came crashing down into a bottomless hole. Because I still feel like I'm falling even though I am with my family, that my brother is alive and well that Cal is safe. But all that doesn't cure the echoes in my heart, nor the darkness that by the seconds grew. No. I feel myself falling even more and there is nothing I can do about it, there is no salvation and I don't want to be saved. For the first time I realized my voice has changed into something darker, a tone I would have never recognized in myself years back but now it is the only thing that I know. Darkness has begun to rule over me, and if I allow it, it will consume me until the naïve Bare Marrow is no more, that girl is long gone. I'm something else entirely.

Shade studied me, scrutinized me until I can feel a flare of heat his eyes are irradiating onto me. My skin feels all burned like he is trying to turn that darkness in my tone into ashes. His shoulders lifted until they turned into a shrug, a certain type of tiredness in his voice. "I know all of this is too for a normal human to handle—" but I won't let him finish.

"We are not normal, Shade. It is time for everyone to see that." My voice raised more than it should but the anger is fueling me now and I can't help it when my eyes narrowed at shade, with coldness in them. "We are something more, we are the in between of this war. We have been granted power to take down those who had mistreated everyone. The gods gave us a mission, to cleanse this world of selfish and cruel Silvers that have completely destroyed our reasoning of existence." And there it was once more, that anger in the pit of my stomach that is almost suffocating. My fist clenched until my knuckles turned ashy grey, almost white, teeth gritting until I could hear a sound in my eardrum. Yes, my hate towards Silvers has increased too much since that day at the arena and even more so knowing who is leading them now. But Shade isn't having any of it. His hand that held mine closed more around it, squeezing harder this time to make me focus on him.

"This shouldn't a personal vendetta…" He begins, to which I rolled my eyes. Honestly, how can he afford to think like that? But the thoughts died in my head before I was ever able to speak once more, Shade's voice made my eyes focus on him once more. "This isn't about vengeance. This is about freedom. We have the right of life and Silvers have been violating it. But I won't allow you to get lost in that. Lost in that hate I know you are feeling in every fiber of your being. That isn't you and I don't want to see my little sister submerge into that. That won't make you any different from them…"

The comparison hurt me. It gutted my inside like a newly polished knife. My hand goes limb in his and all I want is to stand up and walk away, but it won't come to that. Not yet anyway. I take a deep and greedy breath, steel my eyes once more into complete coldness and allowed my petals part to speak. "I am nothing like them. They robbed me, us, of peace and tranquility. That shouldn't go unpunished. Plus…" but my words died there. I was about to talk about Cal, about how they, his own blood betrayed him. It always comes to that, to him. My mind seemed to be trained into thinking of him every time I lose myself into anger and it only made things worse, I know that. There is a need to make things right for him, mainly because I am the culprit of his downfall, of him losing everything. My internal struggle raged on, heart and mind fighting in a war of wills and it seemed like my head was winning but that was until he walked into the room with Farley trailing behind him. Everything around me deflated when his eyes and mine locked and that is how my head lost the battle with my heart.

Farley cleared her throat, gaining my brother's attention.

"I need to speak to you, Shade. May I have a moment?" He nodded at her, but before he stood up and left, his head turned to me.

"This conversation is far from over, Mare."

" Didn't feel like it was…" His eyes gave me a stern look, before he gingerly got up and left the room with Farley, leaving me with Cal and a booming nervousness take over.

It was the first time in a while that we have been in the same room, together and alone. We both made it impossible to be together but fate had other things in mind. I don't dare to look up at him. My first instinct is to grab my journal, stand up and leave.

And I almost succeeded, until his voice called me back.

"You don't have to keep running away from me." His voice is rough, and for the first time I noticed all the cut and bruises in his skin. _He has been training._ I think to myself before pealing my eyes off his strong arms and back to his face.

"That's our dance now, remember? I walk away from you and you walk away from me. Not a word, not a sound. There is no music in this dance." That is all I am able to say, all I can voice out. Cal stands there for a few moments weighing in my words. After a few beats of silence he is nodding.

"Funny. That is exactly how I have been seeing this…" he motions between us, "…all this time."

I don't know if I should laugh or cringe.

The fact that we are on the same page doesn't baffles me any longer.

"Then we have a good thing going on here, why change it?" The words, that question leaves my mouth before I even had a chance to really think it through. I don't want an answer, is my quick realization. I can't afford to allow my mind wonder about it. So I shake my head and take a step back, "On second thought don't answer that." This was my chance. I turned halfway around, and lift my left leg to move out but something stops me mid track and I quickly realize it was Cal's hand grabbing my elbow. I could feel the warmth from him enveloping me in it cocoon, makes me note how much I really missed it.

"You know well it is stupid to keep doing this." I can't meet his eyes, I don't want to but he is searching for my gaze the heat of his body rolling down my arm is the biggest indication of it. So I look at him over my hooded lashes, not afraid, never afraid but with trepidation. I don't know what to expect from his fiery golden hues but they certainly never disappoint. I missed more than his warmth – is the first thing I'm aware off – his eyes that seemed to shine like the sun when his passion is being ignite from the very depths of his soul. _Looks like he found something to keep himself_ _ **sane**_ _._ He seemed to see something in my eyes because he is soon pulling his arm away from me. It took me a while to comprehend but then I comprehend, sparks of lighting were expelling from my body. "You still need to learn control. Haven't you been training?" And just like that the conversation shifted into something safer, this I can handle. Throat cleared quickly before allowing myself to speak.

"I have." My slim fingers run along one of my tresses before safely tucking it behind my ear. "I have gotten far."

"And still your emotions take the better of you." My eyes narrowed at him. Emotions? Is her referring at me feeling something remotely _feelsy_ towards him? My dome shakes from side to side words already forming but before anything could come out he interrupts. _What is it with people interrupting me today?_ "What I'm saying is that you are allowing your heart take the better of you…" And that doesn't help at all because just moments ago my heart won over my head the moment my eyes were on him. It is infuriating.

"I don't want to talk about this. I have more important things to do." Again I try to leave and again his voice is stopping me once more but this time, his words shocked me.

"Like writing on that journal of yours?" He asked mildly amused at the way I turned to him, eyes widen in surprised. "You have been doing that for a year now. Tell me how is that working out for you?"

The fact that he noticed that puzzles me. Has he actually been paying that much attention to me?

"What journal?" Cal is shaking his head at my questions and that only makes me frown.

"Don't play coy with me, Mare. You know pretty well what I'm talking about." My name on his lips that is what I missed the most. Makes a tingling sensation prick my skin and almost elicits something akin to a smile. Thankfully I was able to stop before it ever began to blossom, I can't allow him to get under my skin again.

"If you must know everything has been going well." That is all I have to tell him, all that really matters.

Cal is tilting his head towards me, a genuine curiosity on his blazing eyes.

"Can I read it?"

And no, no, no you can't. That is a mantra I keep chanting in my head like a prayer. But he is extending his hand to me, silently asking, - again – if he can, and I can't say no. My own hand extended with the journal and he takes, instantly opening to the first page, and my heart began to stammer in my chest.

 _First entry:_

 _"Three months has passed by since that day at the arena…"_

I see him cringe and I know he too remember that clear as day like I do. We both lost something that day; we both lost our souls, leaving behind empty shells.

" _Cal and I seemed to have gotten out of there alive but that is not entirely true. We left something behind. Our beliefs, our hopes and even our love. We no longer see eye to eye or maybe we never did. We were just fooling ourselves into believing there was something real between us, but that is not what matters now, it will never matter again…"_

The intensity of his eyes makes me squirm where I stand. It is a maddening feeling and the more I try to look away from him the more drawn to him I am.

Like fire to a moth, and I am dangerously close to fizzling out.

" _The fact still remains and we both were taken for fool by the one I wish not to name._

 _I didn't see it coming, none of us did and that is what makes it the harder to process. I confided in him, I actually felt safe in the hands of a Silver, what a fool was I. It shall not happen again. There will not be love again to rule my life, I will allow my hate fuel my actions because that is all I have left to feel, hate..."_

By the time he finished reading, I take a moment to analyze his body language. Always regal, like the monarch he was raised to be. Straight posture, clean skin and his gaze still engulfing me in fire. He hands me back my journal, his expression unreadable and I wonder what is he thinking? But I don't have to wonder for long because his inviting brims are being moist by his tongue and I am here waiting for what he is going to say next.

"Do you hate me, Mare?"

I wasn't expecting that but in hindsight I should have. We haven't talked in months, our eyes barely meet (except for right now. Feels like fire and lighting are battling off.) and our paths seemed to have unlinked. But no I don't hate him, I could never. Yes, I am bitter because once I thought I was important enough for him to let everything go, to help me create a better future for everyone, not only Reds but I was sorely mistaken. What did I expect? Maven was the one to push me towards Cal knowing well everything would go downhill. No, I don't hate him but the idea of having him around me unsettles me. Makes my nerves peeked and my heart thud hard against my rib cage. I'm pretty sure it isn't hate but it sure as hell isn't love.

"I – I don't hate you but I also don't know how I feel about you. Too many things had happened between us, too many betrayals."

Cal nodded and allowed his shoulders to deflate for a moment. "I wish things were different…"

Again those words, that always seemed to cut me through every time he uttered them. They felt like a bad karma, maybe that was my punishment. They should be written on both of our foreheads so they can keep reminding us of our failure, of the love that was never barely found and now is lost in a sea of deception and lies.

But this is our destiny. This is our story and life will always be kicking up, putting a chasm between us until even our names are forgotten. Cal and I will never be and it is time we both, finally, learn that awful lesson.

True love doesn't exist, true love is just a cruel myth.


End file.
